Support Our (Gay) Troops

The End

2005-11-04T15:39:00.000-08:00

We have spoken on the phone several times now. I haven't seen her yet, but I imagine I will soon enough.

She has a long way to go before she will be over whatever happened to her over there. Getting through this is her top priority right now.

Though she is truly suffering right now, she is taking care of it. She is getting help. Knowing that she has been living less than fifteen miles from me for a month now and in serious trouble but with no word to me at all actually leaves me with a feeling of relief. It isn't my responsibility anymore.

I began this project thinking that two worst things about this would be that we would be living so deeply in the closet and that she might die. I was only partially right.

One of the most important things I learned, quite frankly, is that there is very little difference between a military wife and a lesbian military wife.

So much energy goes into supporting these soldiers while they are deployed.
Too many nights spent worrying. So much effort trying to build morale--keeping the home fires burning. Too much silence.

For me, there was too much work trying to sort out too many details with no support anywhere because I was her lesbian wife.

I can't think that all of that was for nothing. Some of my loving effort must have helped to keep her alive and to bring her home. I have to believe that.

Over this past year, I have learned more about the military than I ever thought I would--that is, of course, after I got a full ride to college and never thought about joining the service again.

Before this year, it was really easy for me to take a simplistic view of the military and of war. Both are bad, right?

It is much more complex than that. Both of these things have shaped my life in ways unimaginable. I have also been able to trace my own history and the history of my family in relationship to the military and in relation to war.

I am really angry about the human costs of this war. Not only the dead citizens of Iraq and their grieving families, not only the more than 2000 dead soldiers and their grieving families but also the immeasurable devastation there and here. There is a wide network of silent suffering as a result of this. And for what?

This is my last entry. For me, everything from here on out is just a postscript.

As I suspected...

2005-11-03T06:58:00.000-08:00

She is back. She is in the area. She is in trouble.

Here is the email she just sent:

"I am back and yes as hard as it is for me to admit, I am having a hard time. My parents know nothing of what is going on, as I don't want them to worry. I am back in the area but have been trying to get help both inpatient and out. I will explain more soon I will promise to try and call... OK that is what I can do right now.. OK???

I will write/ call later, but I am sorry I am not me right now. You are right
you always deserved better.. I am so sorry.... I do still care about you, that is the truth."

Very vague, of course. Creepy that she is nearby. And maddening that she has been so affected by this war. Seriously. How can we count the casualties when some people come back as the living dead? I knew this would happen and there was nothing I could do to stop this.

I was right.

2005-10-29T08:46:00.000-07:00

She is here and able to call or email but hasn't.

Her mom sent this email this morning.

"I have given the information to her and asked that she call you.
I forwarded the first message to her also.You know how she is about
answering e-mails and what a procrastinator she is. Sorry I have not
gotten back to you sooner, Chuck's Mom is not doing well and we have been
dealing with thatand I have been putting in alot of extra work hours. I
will talk to her this weekend and ask that she get in touch with you."

I just sent an email telling my ex/partner not to contact me. I think I can take care of the bank account without involving her (I didn't tell her that). I am done. I am so glad that I am out of the apartment and only have this one last detail to handle.

No phone call

2005-10-28T17:13:00.000-07:00

Her parents have not returned my call.

No emails.

I am closing the bank account on Monday. This is ridiculous.

I am pretty mad right now.

What is happening?

2005-10-27T09:36:00.000-07:00

Something really weird is happening and I am freaking out.

She changed her address at the bank to a PO Box in a nearby city. Because we have a joint account (she needs to take herself off the account)now my debit card has a hold on it.

Does this mean she is here? And screwing me over?

I tried to call her parents, but they didn't answer. I left a message, hopefully they will return my call. I sent another email even though they haven't responded to the first.

i am so freaked out. really freaked out. My mouth is dry and I am on
the verge of a panic attack. seriously. this sucks.

E-card

2005-10-24T11:25:00.000-07:00

I sent the Hallmark e-card to tell me if she was viewing the card (and her emails). When she views the card I will be notified. So far, she has not viewed the card.

Her Fears Became My Fears

2005-10-23T11:53:00.000-07:00

I have had plenty of reasons lately to think back over the last 14 months and try to frame some sort of explanation for what has happened.

The bulletin boards at The Military Spouse Support Network are full of posts by women who have actually had some experiences similar to mine. Days, weeks, months without word from their husbands/boyfriends/wives/girlfriends. Serious doubts about their relationships. Break-ups. Worries about husbands/boyfriends/wives/girlfriends who are growing distant--acting unlike themselves. I've found comfort in knowing that my experiences are not unique. But I have also been disappointed to know that there was little I could do to make a difference. And I have wondered why I tend to read first the posts that reflect experiences so similar to mine.

I have also learned that there are many examples of OUT military personnel. People who live their lives ranging from completely to relatively to cautiously open. Though I was vaguely aware of this already, what has become very clear to me is that the degree of fear that my ex/partner lived with was not completely necessary. But I don't think that she knew that. I really think she has been doing her best and working with information avaiable to her.

But I cannot be sure of that. Her experience is all that I have been able to gather. Her filter, her lens for understanding this has been all that I have had to go on to understand what is going on for her. And her fears have become my fears. I have had no mechanism to support her in that or to suggest that things might be different.

I don't know what to do anymore

2005-10-22T16:05:00.000-07:00

I have sent at least 20 unanswered emails to her in the last month--and countless unanswered emails over the last year. I have not heard a word from her in a month. A month ago she actually said she would be leaving the demob site and would be on her way home.

Clearly something happened.

But I have been patiently waiting in total ignorance.

Last week, I emailed her parents. No answer.

Now I notice that someone transferred money in and out of our joint account on October 12th. She has not used that account in 8 months. It may be her parents who did that and made a mistake when they were transferring money between her other accounts at the bank. I cannot have her removed from the account without her signature, so I have been waiting for her to come home so that the account can be closed.

Since she isn't answering my emails, I have no way of knowing if she is even getting them. I sent her a Hallmark "Support Our Troops" e-greeting card today. If and when she views it I will at least get a notification.

I am really angry right now. I have done my best to be patient, but I am at the end of my patience right now. (I believe I have said that before.)

Still quiet...

2005-10-20T12:48:00.000-07:00

I still haven't heard anything. I am trying to keep my mind off of it. Not easy.

No response

2005-10-12T13:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't heard back from her parents. I am not completely surprised. Even when my ex/partner emailed them she didn't regularly hear back.

The only way to get any answers at this point would be to call them. I just can't bring myself to do it though. In fact, the thought of calling them makes me sick to my stomach.

For one thing, even though I used to keep in contact with them, they never initiated any contact, which makes me feel that they weren't too anxious for it. That makes me feel uncomfortable or at least unsure of myself.

For another, I think they are still angry at having to help my ex/partner clean up the mess she left when she broke up with me. Not my fault, but I know they enjoyed five years of freedom from taking care of her. (Freedom given them when I started to do it!)

And for yet another reason, I am not sure that they would be willing to tell me anything.

And they may not even know anything. Why draw attention to worry?

But worst of all, I actually don't want any bad news. At this point, bad news feels certain.

Emailed her parents

2005-10-10T13:01:00.000-07:00

I just broke down and emailed her parents. This way they can be evasive if need be. Fingers crossed that that I hear back from them.

Silence

2005-10-10T11:40:00.000-07:00

It has been two weeks since her last email. I find this alarming since she is back in the U.S. now. Her last email promised a phone call when she got her cell phone delivered to her there. But I've heard nothing. Not even another email.

I am happy not to be afraid that she has been hit in the war. She is out of that danger now. But I now I am worried about her mental health. She said she was depressed. Is she in a hospital? Is she being interrogated (again) about being lesbian?

I am less afraid now than I was a year ago. I have known all along that there would be mental health repurcssions. How could there not be? But will she get the care she needs?

I have thought about calling her parents, but I am afraid of two things. One, that she is actually there with them and has chosen not to call me. And two, that one of us knows more than the other--more than we are supposed to share.

So I will keep waiting to hear from her.

Military Spouse Support Network

2005-10-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

One of the most useful resources I have found is the Military Spouse Support Network.

Though the bulletin board participants are overwhelmingly women and almost completely heterosexual, the bulletin boards offer support on a daily basis and answers to questions I hadn't even thought to ask.

I think I have felt a little chill since I came out on the bulletin board, but no one has said anything negative. In fact, people who have responded have been very supportive.

Waiting, still waiting.

2005-10-04T08:27:00.000-07:00

No word at all for more than a week. And she is stateside now.

Obviously something is very wrong.

I am busy though and I think less and less about it. She is choosing not to contact me, that is pretty clear. Why waste emotional energy on this right now?

Another week

2005-09-29T07:04:00.000-07:00

I've now pretty much made it through another week of waiting. No incidents. No news. Usually I am pretty anxious as the weekend starts. It seems more likely that I will get a surprise visit, but this weekend I am leaving town. I won't be here and frankly I am glad. I can't deal right now. I have too much going on.

Food Network

2005-09-26T09:14:00.000-07:00

I knew I had been watching too much Food Network when I closed the lid and turned on my crock pot on Sunday and realized I had been narrating every step of my cooking process out loud. No one was there but me.

Every step from removing the giblets, washing out the chicken, stuffing the chicken with onions and garlic (seasoning as I went), to rubbing the skin with olive oil and lemon. All of this done out loud with handy little tips as I went.

When I realized what I had done I was conflicted. Should I have been glad no one was there to witness it or would it have been better had there been a real audience?

How easily I can lose my cool

2005-09-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning at around 1, I got a phone call to my cell phone from a number I didn't recognize. I freaked out. I suddenly got very cold and my whole body started shaking--my normal response to that kind of fear and anxiety. Why when I don't really expect her to call me at such an unreasonable hour?

Even though I don't expect her to show up unannounced, I look out at the parking lot every time a car pulls in.

I am not afraid of her in anyway. I am actually looking forward to seeing her.

I am afraid that my life, which I am finally getting in order, will be totally derailed when she comes home. I still feel like I have a fragile hold on things right now. I might be wrong about that, but until I have tested it, I can't be sure how I will respond.

Waiting for the storm

2005-09-23T06:32:00.000-07:00

I've been expecting to hear something from her this week. Always a bad idea. Of course I have heard nothing.

She said she expected to done with demobilization by this weekend and that she would be on her way home. Uh, okay. It's the weekend and I've heard nothing.

As usual, I have gotten more and more depressed. Spent the night on the couch again. My shoulders are hunched. And today I feel like my forehead is sinking into my cheeks. My eyes are closing against their will. Of course, this makes walking a challenge.

I am simply waiting to react. Big mistake.

I have definitely rehearsed the scene in my mind many times. I know what I think. I know what I feel and what I want. But that things keep getting put off is really an obstacle. I have been patient, more patient than I thought I was capable of, but now I feel trapped waiting and it is really slowing me down. I want to get this over with!!!!!

She said she would call...

2005-09-20T07:52:00.000-07:00

She said she would call when she gets a cell phone delivered to her. So far, she hasn't called.

I have not mentioned the fact that she could get a calling card!!!! But that would mean talking on military phone lines, and I doubt she wants to do that.

Relief

2005-09-17T12:08:00.000-07:00

She emailed to say she is back in the States and demobilizing. She sounds pretty depressed and stressed. She said she will call soon. I'm sure I will know more then.

Waiting

2005-09-15T12:38:00.000-07:00

Surely I will hear something soon!

I realized last week that since I've moved, her parents don't have my new phone number. They probably wouldn't be able to find me to let me know what is going on. I am too nervous to call them though. There is actually something blissful about ignorance. Ignorance is allowing me to live with less anxiety on a daily basis.

Since I don't know if she is still in the Middle East, I do get anxious when I hear about the growing violence in Baghdad, but I have no evidence that she is there, so I can let go of that pretty quickly.

Since it was clear she would be deployed, I was pretty diligent about watching and reading the news and taking lots of notes. I started out by trying to write a history of the war--like the ones I had to memorize in grade school. I also kept a running list of the soldiers who had died, what branch they were in, what their rank was and how and where they died. I have always admired Virgnia Woolf's notetaking; I thought I could find patterns by doing the same.

I thought that I could manage this by staying on top of it and writing it all down. But there is no way for me to manage this war. It became too overwhelming.

At first it made me angry that others didn't keep up on the war. It worried me how easily all of this can be forgotten. But I couldn't keep up either and it was not because I was apathetic. This situation is unmanageable.

Silence breeds Silence

2005-09-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

Since I have heard nothing, I have been thinking less and less about this situation. This is a major improvement. I began this deployment nearly paralyzed by fear and feeling very dependent on my ex/partner. Things are really different now.

Things will change again when she comes home. I have no idea how she will be different and how I will react differently to her. Even as her friend it will be easy to get sucked into old patterns. I've been putting a lot of thought into that. I have absolutely no intention of abandoning her completely, so I'll certainly have to be attentive to those patterns. I suppose that could only be good for me.

I have a lot to think about while I wait.

No word

2005-09-08T07:21:00.000-07:00

Haven't heard anything in a while again. I am sorry, but I don't believe it is impossible to call me and let me know what is going on. Really. Where is she? Is she still in the Middle East? Is she in the US?

If she can email, she could let me know more. I just don't believe her.

Honestly, I am not even sure I care to know more. I could certainly call her parents, who are probably aware of everything right now, but I don't want to deal with it.

I know she is safe and knowing that makes me feel less anxious--even anxiety free.

Right now days can go by during which I don't even think about her. It is so much more peaceful this way.

New Message

2005-09-02T11:52:00.000-07:00

Just got another brief email. Still no caps and oddly signed with her full name. But it was a message. Actually, it was nearly identical to the last one. "Stick with me. I am almost there." What does that mean?

She also added that her family is still missing in New Orleans. Maybe she got a Red Cross message?

This message left me feeling like saying "Yeah, right." I felt relieved that she is obviously safe, but I feel pretty disengaged from her and her situation right now.

The more independent I become from her, the easier it gets to distance myself. This week has required significant struggle as I work to extricate myself from her financially, but I made big strides and I definitely feel less urgency around our "relationship". I don't need her, though up until March I still felt I did. Which, by the way, is ridiculous; I was supporting her. But up until March I still believed she would reciprocate.

A month has passed

2005-08-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

It has been a month since I last heard from her and almost as long since she "left". When I was told she had left, I was sure she was leaving the Middle East. I had no idea that a month would pass and I would have no idea where she is. I feel sick.

Love My Rifle More Than You

2005-08-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend reading Kayla Williams' memoir Love My Rifle More Than You.

While John Crawford's memoir, The Last True Story I'll Ever Tell, left me in tears (sobbing actually), Williams' book sometimes made me laugh, but never actually surprised me.

I have already heard about some of the sexual harassment and assault that female soldiers encounter. That did not surprise me. It has seemed clear to me for a while that a female soldier could expect to be groped, verbally harassed, assaulted and possibly raped. My ex/partner experienced many of those things before she was deployed.

Williams also emphasized that in the military a woman could only be either a bitch or a slut. Williams was often labeled a slut. Though the stakes are higher in the military and the situation is more intense, the bitch/slut dichotomy is a lot like civilian life. Been labeled both things myself at one point or another. Actually, so had Williams as a civilian.

Unlike Crawford, Willimas did witness what any one of us would call prisoner abuse. And my guess is that my ex/partner did too. I know my ex/partner visited EPW camps. Perhaps I am too cynical, but even with new regulations about interrogating prisoners, the scene couldn't be a good one.

I read both of these books to get a clearer sense of what my ex/partner might be going through as a soldier in this war, but also to try to gain insight into the mental and emotional life of a soldier. I got both.

Even though Williams' book didn't surprise me, it did serve as a reminder of what daily life might be like for my ex/partner, and even more than that, what the consequences of living like that might be.

Both Williams and Crawford had a difficult time readjusting to civilian life. Both certainly wanted to spend time around people who understood what they had been through. I suppose it is difficult to be patient with civilians who always ask "What was it like?" but I still can't figure out what the right question to ask might be.

Both of these books made the same thing clear to me, though in different ways, no matter how prepared I might have been for being a Military Wife, no matter how prepared she might have been for going to this war--no preparation was enough to change what was going to happen. Knowing about the patterns, the emotional stages of deployment, what to do and not do for a soldier--none of those things keep people from succumbing to the patterns, the emotional stages, etc.

Even if I had done everything wrong--stopped writing or never sent a package instead of sending thoughtful notes, detailed letters, funny homemade family newsletters every month and huge packages more than once a week; if I had cried like a baby every time we were on the phone or complained instead of being happy happy happy all of the time and struggled alone with the daily crap of life; even if I had done everything wrong, I couldn't have changed this. And I don't think that doing everything wrong would have felt any better either. This just plain sucked--no matter how it would have been handled. Damn it, I actually thought it could be a livable and survivable situation. I really really thought that if I did everything right, I could help to pull both of us through this.

And no, it is not a matter of a soldier having made a choice to join the military or to go to this war. As Kayla Williams noted in her memoir "In the Army you are given choices that aren't really choices." Once you are there, and the reasons people get there are too common, you lose choice. And since the reason that soldiers get there often has to do with a lack of better choices, there is a bigger picture to examine here.

Waiting

2005-08-24T15:12:00.000-07:00

Still waiting. Right now I have no idea where she is or when she will be back.

I am still afraid that something horrible has happened or will happen. She made it safely to a certain point but will her luck run out in her last few days? Has it already?

Sitting at my desk this morning a strong breeze came through the room and touched my arm in such a way that it felt like a hand resting against me. The curtains didn't move, and it didn't happen again. It worried me.

I did just watch the finale of Six Feet Under though, so it is possible that my imagination may be more focused on death and ghosts than usual.

Back in Ohio

2005-08-20T07:30:00.000-07:00

I'm in Ohio for my mom's birthday. If things were "right" between my ex/partner and I, I would also be visiting her parents and her (used to be mine too) dog. But I am not visiting them. I am actually afraid to even call them. They might have information that I don't really want to hear. Or I might know something they don't know. I am not sure they even know how close she is to coming home. She is careful not to tell them too much.

It also crossed my mind that she might already be home, and that I might run into her somewhere around here. I am not ready for that scene.

When she really lost me

2005-08-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

When she came home on leave in March we had a pretty intense discussion. She said that on the way home on the plane she realized that I was the only person she really wanted to see. I feel pretty certain that this is true, because she called from the Detroit airport where she was transferring planes. She almost had me.

She she lost me though, was when she was visiting me. She was looking through her carry-on bag, came upon something and said "Oh, I made this for you". She passed it back to me over her shoulder without even looking at me. It was a CD mix titled "Music to Lay in Bed and hold each other with...I look forward to each moment with you..."

There is no way she made that CD for me; the music on it is not "us" and we were not together when she made it. She had to have made it for her boyfriend (remember she was straight there for a while). She didn't know that I knew about the boyfriend.

She lied to me so easily in that moment, that she lost me, really lost me, right then.

"Stick with me"

2005-08-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

I got an email from her yesterday. She said to stick with her and that when she got to someplace where she could call, she would.

She used my initial instead of my full name and signed "me" instead of signing her name. She also didn't use any caps in the message.

Two things I got from the message:

One, I don't think she is back in the states, she is on the move somewhere and has been for a week. This surprises and worries me. For the past week, for the first time in a year, I heard news stories about soldiers' deaths and did not worry about her. That's over.

Two, she is concerned about surveillance. Who is it that she is afraid would be reading her messages?

Still no word

2005-08-11T11:48:00.000-07:00

How many posts have been titled "No word" or "Still no word"? Many. Too many.

I have been spending a lot more time lately trying to figure out why exactly I am so unproductive when I am waiting. To be fair, it isn't as if I have accomplished nothing--I have gotten a lot done, but this week I am a zombie. I can't sleep, which might be okay if I was jumped up on caffeine and writing all night. I wake up late (well, that stands to reason) and then I sit staring at the tv or computer screen for hours.

When I was very small, my parents and I lived in Kent, OH. Both of my parents went to Kent State, and my Dad was in the National Guard (he was on duty somewhere else during the Kent State shootings). When we moved from Kent to the middle american suburban dream, I was old enough to remember him leaving for his Guard weekends.

He liked to have us (mom and I) waiting for him when he came home.

One of half a dozen clear memories I have in that house is of waiting at the front door and watching down the street for his car to come. It feels as if I waited there for hours.

While I waited for him I had to be on watch. I had to be ready. I couldn't play or watch television. I had to watch out the door or I might miss him and not be ready to greet him at the door.

When I think of that time, I feel trapped. Just as I do now. Trapped and waiting for someone to come home.

The Last True Story

2005-08-09T17:44:00.000-07:00

I read John Crawford’s book The Last True Story I’ll Every Tell: An Accidental Soldier’s Account of the War in Iraq twice this week.

I read it looking for some insight into what my ex/partner might have experienced, some insight into her behavior. I found some. But what I did not find was an answer as to how to help her on her return.

The first story that Crawford wrote for the book is the last story in the book. In it he tells of his dream of return. Driving to his home town with his wife by his side he meets up with his buddies from high school who then ask him for a war story. He imagines the story he would tell them but doesn’t tell it. In that moment he realizes how alienated he is. He has gone through something that no one understands. That story of his return is a dream though, and he wakes to find himself contemplating the truth of that alienation. That is the story I would expect to hear.

But he ends the book telling the truth of his return. “Most days I was sick. It was a lingering, wasting sickness that comes only when you have nothing left. There are people who really don’t know why they get up in the morning; it’s sad, and that’s how you know it’s true.
In my dream, my wife never told me that things would have been better off if I had just never come home. In reality, I agree with her.”

My fear after reading his book is that even if his dream of return were true, that he had people around him who loved and supported him, it would have made no difference.

The truth is that knowing the patterns does little to help avoid them. My fear is that my soldier, my friend, is lost to me. The woman I fell in love with moved permanently away from me once she realized in 2001 that her life might soon end in war.

I know that this year has left me changed. I will never again think in such simple terms about such a complicated issue. I cannot imagine my life twenty years from now thinking back on this year and this love without profound sadness. I have been waiting for things to be better, but Crawford’s book makes me doubt the possibility of a happy ending.

Back on the couch

2005-08-08T17:06:00.000-07:00

Back to sleeping on the couch again. Worried. Sluggish. I am going to bed early tonight so that I can try to get back on track tomorrow.

On her way home

2005-08-08T03:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't slept much this week, which is funny since I have never had any trouble sleeping. For days now I haven't been to bed before 3am. Today will be a record though, because it is now 3am and I am nowhere near sleepy.

After not hearing from her for a week, I tried my ex/partner's Kuwaiti cell phone again. Someone else answered. A very sweet soldier explained to me that SSG XXX gave her the phone before she left--two days ago.

She is on her way home.

For a laugh

2005-08-02T10:25:00.000-07:00

When I am feeling stressed or blue, I go to Daily Dancer's blog. This guy posts videos of himself dancing on a somewhat daily basis.

The guy is not a dancer in the traditional sense, keep in mind I visit his blog when I need a laugh, but good for him for putting himself out there.

My favorites include the somewhat expected "I'm Too Sexy", "Dancing With Myself' but also "American Idiot" and "I'm Gonna Sex You Up".

I have been brought to tears by this guy's antics.

Demobilization

2005-08-01T07:15:00.000-07:00

After waiting for two weeks to hear from her, I decided to call her cell phone. Well, that isn't entirely true, I have been trying to call her cell phone for a week but I got no answer. Yesterday I did reach her and she said she was on the other line with her parents and would call me back. I waited over an hour, crying the whole time, she did not call back. So I called her. She was in bed, clearly not going to call me back!

I pushed for the information I need. She will not be flying out any earlier than this coming Saturday and she will be in demobilization for at least 12-15 days.

This weekend was NOT my last carefree weekend.

We did not talk long, but she did tell me that even though she is excited to come home, she is scared too. Everything is different. She has been away from her life for a year.

I can't imagine what that must feel like. The process of re-entering your old life after such a long absence must be overwhelming. Where would someone even start?

Last Carefree Weekend

2005-07-30T06:55:00.000-07:00

Wanda and I had a long painful discussion last night about what might happen when my ex/partner comes home. As I told her, I don't think there is anything left for me to discuss or think about. No one can tell me anything I don't already know right now. I am just waiting for her to come home. I am prepared.

Wanda asked me what I need right now. I need to be distracted. I can't keep going over the scenario in my head. I have already thought this through from every imaginable angle. Right now I think I need NOT to think about it. I haven't come up with a plan yet for how to stay distracted for nearly a week. I think I will have to take it one day at at time.

Not sleeping well

2005-07-29T08:04:00.000-07:00

I am a very sound sleeper. I can sleep through anything. I don't wake up. I don't have trouble falling asleep.

Once, shortly after my ex/partner left I did wake up at 4:30 and just got up to work instead of sleeping. Otherwise, I sleep well.

But for the past week, I have woken up every night between 4 and 5. I usually feel awake enough that I could stay up, but when I look at the clock I decide against it.

I know worry is waking me up. I spend several hours a day just trying to keep myself occupied so that I don't think about what might be coming. Luckily I have plenty of work to do. I only take breaks to worry. But at night I don't seem to be able to control it.

This morning, as I do every morning, I wake up and listen to the birds before I actually get out of bed. Blue Jays, Cardinals, Juncos and Black-capped chickadees are the norm.

But this morning I swear I heard a whistle that sounded like my ex/partner. We had a "family whistle" good both for the dogs and for getting each other's attention in a crowd. I jumped up and looked out the window. She wasn't out there. It must have been a bird. Could a bird really make the sound of our family whistle?

I think she will let me know when she is arriving. In fact, I think I will pick her up at the airport. But just in case she surprises me, I have started locking my door at night.

Time to Review the Emotional Stages of Deployment

2005-07-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

Given that she will be home in a week, it is a good idea to review the Emotional Stages of Deployment.

The month before a soldier returns home is called Re-deployment.

Like every other stage of deployment, it is also characterized by conflicting emotions: anticipation, apprehension, trouble making decisions and a rush of energy to prepare.

The obvious worries are about getting along and giving up gained independence.

Both partners have changed. I suppose one of the biggest problems is that the spouse who stays at home has made changes to the environment and routine that will impact the soldier. From the beginning of the deployment, spouses are urged not to make big changes--even painting a room or buying new furniture could be off-putting to someone returning.

I totally screwed this up right before she left. She had a pretty raggy couch that she had gotten for free. It was the perfect size for two people to lay and sleep together or cuddle up and watch a movie. Both of the dogs fit up there with us too. BUT it was getting smelly (we did have two dogs!) So I re-stuffed it. Myself. Right when she came home between her final training and leaving country.

Seemed like a good idea but it didn't turn out to be such a good idea. She liked it the way it was. OOOPS!

Obviously, they also don't apply perfectly to a gay couple nor do they apply in the same way that they would have had we stayed together.

9 Days, I think

2005-07-26T11:24:00.000-07:00

I still have not heard if she is coming home next week for sure, but I am proceeding as if she is. Well, actually I am not doing anything but thinking about it. What is there to do?

11 Days

2005-07-24T17:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our anniversary. No word. I spent the day with memories.

Things are coming to an emotional high point. I am anxious about what the next two weeks will bring but so are the people closest to me.

Last night I fought with two of my lovers who want commitment from me that I am unprepared and unwilling to give. How can I think about that right now? The night ended badly. I don't expect that we will be friends.

Wanda is being very patient and supportive.

But for the most part I feel my support network dropping away.

The love and responsibility I feel for my ex/partner is not something I am finding a lot of support for, but from the beginning I haven't been able to find anyone who seemed to understand it.

I am truly scared right now. From morning until night, from one hour to the next, my thoughts and feelings change. I do trust myself to work this out, to come out of this okay, but I don't know yet what that means and I don't know what it will take to get there.

14 Days

2005-07-21T14:48:00.000-07:00

She said she thinks she will be home in 14 days. She will call from Germany.

What do I want when she returns? is the question everyone is asking.

I definitely feel conflicted right now. The overwhelming grief and anxiety of the past year will be replaced with joy and relief. But that doesn't erase the rest.

What do I want? Well, after spending the last year worried that she would be killed, I want to celebrate the fact that she is alive and safe. I want to celebrate an end to grief. I want to talk to her and hear about her experiences. I want to finally be free from grief.

Anxiety

2005-07-19T13:04:00.000-07:00

I am spending a lot of time on everything but thinking about her return. I don't actually know when she will return. It could be as early as the first week in August or as late as October or even longer. But it will likely be soon. I am in a panic. Anxiety overwhelms me when I think about it. I am having a difficult time going to sleep and I keep waking up throughout the night--and I am normally a sound sleeper, which is actually putting it mildly.

This is made worse because I don't know when she is coming for sure. She isn't calling or sending emails. I have no idea what her plans are. She has nowhere to go when she gets here. But I don't even know if she is coming here--she may be moving back home. I got a strange call from the University where we used to live; they were trying to get in touch with Army Educational Resources. I think this means that she has given them my number for some reason (they certainly dialed the wrong number though). I missed the call, so I can't be sure what they wanted.

I would feel 300 times better if I knew what her plans were, but she is not in contact. Again.

It feels like March all over again.

No word

2005-07-15T12:55:00.000-07:00

Another long silence.

I was stunned when she said she could be home as soon as the first week in August. I am not ready. I am surprised that given over a year I am still not ready, but I am not.

I do think I know what the silence means. I don't think there will be any trouble when she gets home, but I do think we are in for a long difficult conversation.

Coming home sooner than expected?

2005-07-08T11:51:00.000-07:00

I just got an email from her. She might be coming home August 4th. That would be much sooner than expected and less than a month away.

Heat vs. Heat

2005-06-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

When she asked about the weather and I responded "hot". She laughed. She usually experiences temperatures well over 100 degrees. "If you want to know what that feels like", she said, "go into the bathroom, close the door and blow the hairdryer directly into your face. Oh, and then go outside grab some sand and throw it at your face too."

I think I'll pass.

I have missed my friend

2005-06-26T13:08:00.000-07:00

She just called. We must have talked for an hour. The conversation was different than many we have had even in the past three years.

There was nothing choking up my throat. No anger, no edginess, no suspicion. Just happiness to be talking to my friend.

It was true for her as well. She opened up more as she has only done a few times in the past few years. She talked about how she was feeling about being there, about the death of her ex, about her experiences in recent months (she had to make a trip to Afghanistan).

She is completely exhausted. She has dealt with many deaths recently; she hasn't had a day off in a long time (not unusual for any of them); and several of her friends are returning to the U.S. right now.

She wants to come home. She, and everyone deployed with her, are reaching their personal limits.

I opened up too. I talked to her about the seminar I recently attended (I have become uncommunicative about everything, including work), about my teaching, about my travels, about my depression.

We laughed. Especially when I said it was hot here--she cannot exactly feel pity for the heat, but I do have her beat on humidity. We also laughed when we talked about her need for a vibrator that would be quiet enough to use in quarters that sleep 50 other people.

Talking to her today I felt our friendship again for the first time in a long time. I have missed my friend.

Voice Memo from the Past

2005-06-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

While I was away last week, I tried to record a voice memo on my cell phone--the name of a film I wanted to remember to watch. Kandahar, a film about an Afghan Canadian woman returning to Afghanistan to save a suicideal sister, I recommend it highly.

I couldn't record the voice memo because my memory was full. To my knowledge I hadn't ever used the memo function. Frankly, I didn't even know about it. When I started to play it, I recognized my ex/partner's voice so I chose to listen to it later privately. It felt like a voice from the grave. I had no idea what the memo might be and didn't especially want to break down in front of my colleagues.

The memo was over four minues long and was dated April 10th. She was in Iraq then. When I listened, I recognized her half of a phone call we had on that date (my voice was not recorded in the memo). She was telling me about some of the symptoms she had been experiencing since she's been in the war. Many soldiers have had what they call "the crud". Coughing and hacking, difficulty breathing--medics are calling it a form of bronchitis brought on by the desert sand.

Naturally, soldiers are skeptical of the diagnosis. My ex/partner said that she knows she needs to be sure to go the medics now so that her experience with it is on record in case it is later discovered that there are long term effects or a different war-related cause. She (and others) can already see a future filled with visits to VA Hospitals and fights with a government reluctant to admit fault and provide soldiers with necessary treatment, benefits or compensation.

She hates going to doctors, hates waiting in lines and hates feeling sick. I don't know if she did end up going to the medics even though she is sick. She has actually had the "crud" several times during her deployment.

I was reluctant to erase the message. Could that memo serve as evidence in a case later? Unlikely I decided. If something happened and she didn't come back would I want to preserve a recording of her lost voice? Impractical I decided.

I erased the message.

Missed phone calls

2005-06-20T10:44:00.000-07:00

After having not heard from my ex/partner for weeks, she tried to call this weekend--thirty or so times--without reaching me.

I am out of town and happened to be in one of the few areas I have ever had trouble with Verizon the first twenty times she tried to call. The other ten or so I was sleeping or with Wanda.

I didn't answer until this morning when I got a coffee break from my seminar.

When I miss her calls I get very anxious, because I do know how frustrating it is to try to reach her and not get through. And I do know that for soldiers who call home and don't reach their family there can really be some disappointment and even paranoia. I don't want to contribute to that.

Keep in mind that at any time I could have called her on her cell phone. But also that this all took place over the course of only twelve hours or so.

It frustrates me though that I am expected to be available without any "maintenance". I don't get replies to emails. I don't get the phone calls I request. No letters. etc. But when I don't answer the phone after weeks of no phone calls, there is a problem.

I am not as available as I used to be for lots of reasons.

But here is why she was calling. One of her ex's, the most serious of the long list, died on friday. She is very upset and wanted to talk. She has also lost another friend over there and is preparing for yet another memorial service. AND she found out that the requests for transcripts I sent to the school for her did not make it, so she now has no hope of returning early. (That one is entirely my fault.)

So, of course, I feel guilty. But I think my guilt requires analysis, because it is a result of manipulation. My response, or in this case lack of response, is a behavioral response based on very little positive reinforcement. The more she calls, the more available I am for calls. There is a reinforcement for it--think of me as the mouse and the cheese or even like Pavlov's dog (was there only one dog?). I could think of this in a more complicated way--schedules of reinforcement--but it has been years since my Behavior Modification course in Psychology (I got an A+ in that class, but I have never been able to apply it to my satisfaction in my own life.)

However, my response to this current situation is where the schedules of reinforcement really apply in a more interesting way. If I respond by being more available and more attentive, this might actually be a greater manipulation of my behavior.

I am trying to resist and be reasonable at the same time. Good luck on that one.

For now though, I really do want to be there for her. I hate very much that support is not reciprocated, and I refuse to accept that--even in this situation--I could not expect her to be there for me. I know that people find ways to support each other even in this situation. Things have not changed.

Blogging from the road

2005-06-16T13:22:00.000-07:00

I am off on the second exciting trip of the summer--a weeklong educational seminar. It is so nice to be in a space where I am learning, thinking more broadly about the Arab world (the topic of the seminar) and thinking about something other than my personal life!

One point in particular I am thinking about is that one of the participants studies war propaganda and has been attempting to teach students how tactics similar to those around WWII have been used about both Gulf Wars. A main point being to encourage the silencing of criticism so as not to demoralize the troops.

Even more exciting is that unlike many other academic settings, I don't feel intimidated or ignorant. Usually I am the quiet one in the bunch, but here I have spoken up several times already. What is the difference? I don't know yet but I am really enjoying it.

Tomorrow we will be talking about blogging. When we talk about blogs, I hope we also talk about some of the soldiers' blogs about the war as well as the blogs coming out of the Middle East around the war. I had better look up the links!

Nearly a year

2005-06-15T14:10:00.000-07:00

Soon it will be a year since my ex/partner's deployment began. She was gone most of last summer between training and her actual deployment. I was gone most of last summer traveling. Between the two of us, the separation really began at the end of May. A year has passed since this ordeal began. Many years have passed since the fear began.

I can't forget the fear I felt whenever I was home last summer. There were weeks when I didn't leave my house and barely showered. There were also times when I was able to begin imagining some measure of liberation and anticipation of the time I would have to reflect and get my head together.

Though it is pretty clear that I have mostly moved on, I can't see myself being through this until she is home again. I don't want to break ties fully (whatever that means) until she is here and safe. I think that is the most caring and ethical way to handle this. It is the only way I feel okay handling this--even though that is more than she has offered me.

Dr. Phil

2005-06-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

I can't stand Dr. Phil, but I still can't help imagining myself under his analysis.

In the course of my life I have had a total of ten or so different therapists. Once I had one like Dr. Phil and I only made it through two appointments before I found a new one--a kinder, gentler therapist. My last therapist said there was nothing wrong with me, but that there was something wrong with my situation and that I could change that. Too true.

So here I am, four months after the fated email, why I am I still struggling? Why can't I just "move on and ignore my ex"?

I think the question Dr. Phil would ask me is "What are you getting out of this?" Even though I really can't stand Dr. Phil, I think that is the best possible question to ask myself right now. In fact, I have been asking myself this same question for the past couple of years and the answer is the same.

I think that answer is that I am getting some sense of security out of this. Keeping in touch with her is making it possible for me to hold on to some stupid fairy tale dream I have of my life. How embarrassing!

I am taking the final steps I need to take to extricate myself from her. The last ties we have are financial--no surprise in a five year cohabitative relationship--and I hope to be free from those ties in the next three months. I used to tell myself that I had to stay connected to her because of the money she owed me, but I can't keep telling myself that. I have to let go of that.

Evasion

2005-06-08T13:53:00.000-07:00

I totally lost it and sent a really angry email to my ex/partner before I went to Egypt. I went off about how angry her lies made me and I demanded that she tell me the truth.

I have heard from her since, but she completely ignored the email.

So I sent a kinder, gentler version of my demand for the truth.

She ignored that one as well.

I honestly thought that her change of heart in March might mean that she had grown and matured as she claimed she had and that she would be able to have the kind of open, honest communcation I need. Who was I kidding? Myself, of course.

So far that doesn't seem to be true.

Yoga

2005-06-07T15:15:00.000-07:00

Attended a yoga class after work today.

Very calm now.

Work? blech!

2005-06-06T10:30:00.000-07:00

I'm here, but I really don't feel like working. Unfortunately, since I am sending less email I am receiving less email so the time I can waste responding has decreased. In less than a half an hour I am now staring at my screen and wanting to go home.

Plus it is really really muggy outside so I am moving at a snail's pace already.

For the past few mornings I have woken up in a state of anxiety. This morning I woke up wondering what the worst mistake of my life has been. What a useless thing to wonder. What would be the point of wondering what the absolute worst mistake was? I could certainly pretend I was a transcendent being who values each decision and each twist on my life's path for what they have brought me, but please, I do have regrets. And ALL of my regrets have to do with intimate relationships.

Newsflash.

My tarot reading this morning did promise an outcome of love that is balanced and nurturing. The surprise in that reading was the the question I posed had to do with my ex/partner.

Wrong side of the bed today

2005-06-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

I woke up feeling really sad today--despite the fact that my bedroom is beautiful, sunny and breezy.

When I was in Cairo I was talking with a colleague who shared with me that she had had an unbelievably hard year. I think we were talking about how much of a relief it is that the academic year is over. Really relieved.

In the course of our conversation, I told her that I have probably just made it through the most oppressive and depressing year of my life to date.

I regret that.

When I think back on this year, I don't think about everything that went wrong. I think about my travels (Lebanon, Syria, Jordan, Egypt, Nicaragua and Cuba). Those trips are probably what helped to keep me from sinking.

I regret making that statement, but perhaps what I regret is having to face just how awful this past year has been and to acknowledge what the consequences of that have been on my mental and physical health and on my ability to reach the goals I've set for myself.

Over these past few years (since 9/11) I have lost track of who I am. Am I suspicious, depressed, angry, lazy, and humorless? Or have those characteristics emerged out of this particular context--one in which I cannot trust the person to whom I have entrusted my love and in which I am constantly in fear of losing that same person to war?

When I really think of who I am I actually do think more of the moments of joy and creativity and energy--not the endless days of laying on the couch crying, waiting up for my partner to return drunk or waiting weeks for a phone call only to get an email "Dear John" letter. When I think of who I am I think of the sunny days when anything seems possible. Not the days when I feel that I am at the end of it all.

Am I fooling myself? I am not sure I will really know until all of this is behind me.

PTSD

2005-06-02T11:31:00.000-07:00

I woke this morning to NPR. There was a story about a woman who has come back from the war and is suffering from PTSD. Apparently, they are now starting to study the impact of the war on women and the way that PTSD affects them. There seemed, so far, to be few differences between PTSD in female and male soldiers. However, women seemed more often to fear that they wouldn't ever be able to connect with someone again. Additionally, a woman who had been sexually abused before was more likely to experience PTSD now. Based on this information, my ex/partner's probability for returning with PTSD is very high. But I already knew that.

The story, A Woman Guard Member's Struggle with PTSD
is a part of NPR's The Span of War series.

Cairo

2005-05-28T06:14:00.000-07:00

Just back from a trip to Cairo. I tried to blog from the airport, but my time ran out before I published the post so the whole entry was lost!

I am glad to be back. The journey was very long and I traveled alone. I had plenty of time to think. Well, that is until I got horribly sick--the details of that illness are best not shared. YUK.

Not quite back to normal yet either.

I was at the pyramids the day after Laura Bush. How laughable. Did her reception there really surprise her? Luckily, all of the Egyptians I spoke with were very clear that they blame the President, not the people, for his policy in the Middle East. Why did you elect him? was asked of me several times though.

Blackburnian Warbler

2005-05-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

blackburnian
Originally uploaded by katehatch.

This warbler was my favorite of this past weekend, but it is one of many I saw. The photo is a link to a set of photos of the highlights I created at Flickr. Follow the link if you are interested. The photos themselves all came from the Patuxent Bird Identification InfoCenter.

Migratory Birds

2005-05-15T19:23:00.000-07:00

I am at my mom's house. On the eight hour drive here, which began at 6pm on Friday, I had a lot of time to think. Oddly, I imagined myself actually turning into a crab and had a good long think about Kafka and The Metamorphosis. I must say it was quite funny; I wish I had been thinking aloud into a tape recorder.

I thought about many other odd things, but since most of them were brought on by the eclectic collection of songs on my IPod, I can't reproduce them here. Sorry for that.

I also thought about the space I have been in since New Year's Eve. Actually, that led me to imagine myself being studied by Freud. I really think I've got an interesting case study. I might work on writing it up.

But I also thought about the email I sent my ex/partner right before I got in my car to drive home.

She sent me another incomprehensible email. In this one she was wondering what I do with all of my time--who I am with, what we do, etc. It was paranoid and sad. I cried. I haven't cried for days, weeks even. That is one of things I've noticed since we broke up--I hardly cry at all.

I sent her back a horrible angry email. I really lashed out. Exactly what I am not supposed to do--for the good of a soldier at war. But really, how much of this can one person take?

For three years, she ignored my phone calls, shut me out, f**ked around and lied to me. She refused to listen and did not respect me. And now I have to sacrifice what I need to achieve peace so that she can have a narrative of someone to come home to?

Honestly, I am afraid I will come unhinged by this.

I do love her. Obviously. I am very forgiving. Obviously. But she has to be honest with me before we can even be friends. I told her in the email I sent that she needs to come clean with me about all of the lies she told me. She has to tell me how it felt to lie to my face. How it felt when it was obvious that I knew what was going on and to still lie to me. Is that out of line?

It felt out of line. I have been sick to my stomach all weekend. She has not answered my email and she has not called even though she told me she wanted to work all of this through with me. I don't think she can rise to this challenge. SomehowI have a hard time embracing my justifiable anger.

Oh, about the migratory birds. This past saturday was International Migratory Bird Day. Honestly, that is the reason I drove eight hours to get here. This is peak migration for neotropical migrants--songbirds--who are traveling north to breed. They are at their most beautiful.

Where I come from is on one side of Lake Erie. The birds have come such a long way from their southern winter spots, and by the time they get there they are tired and are reluctant to cross the lake, so they rest on this side.

At this time of year, hundreds of tiny birds rest here on a path that hundreds of people walk through just to be near them. I was among them.

Things to make me crabby in the future

2005-05-12T14:26:00.000-07:00

Things I am now doing in order to escape from grading and yet still be productive but will somehow involve crabbiness in the future:

Dumping the contents of my desk drawer out and cleaning it out. But eventually I get to the end of my patience and start putting things back in with no order at all. And I keep dumb things that I can't seem to get rid of like: a yo-yo, a teeny tiny deck of cards, cuticle remover, a lot of rubber bands, and some sucrets.

Sloppily filing away teaching items from this semester. I was doing pretty well in the beginning of my filing adventure. But near the end I put a lot of "miscellaneous" stuff in the front of that file drawer--and without a file folder!

Putting away an empty file folder with a label on it. What would annoy me more--to throw the file folder away now only to find the missing essay later (yes, I am way too crabby to re-use it right now) OR to go through my files later only to find that the article is not there?

Two more things I have recently done that are catching up to me now. Both involve mold. One is that I have been collecting old coffee in TWO travel mugs--yes, mold. And the other is that I was really sick a while back and brought myself some OJ to work in a nalgene. Yes, there is mold in the bottom of my nalgene.

My office neighbor just brought me over a half a bottle of red wine. Maybe a little nip will exorcise the crab from my body.

I am Crabby

2005-05-12T14:08:00.000-07:00

Note the little graphic under my profile. It changes with my mood. Well, I change it to reflect my mood.

I am crabby.

I have been grading papers and exams nonstop for days now, my neck and back are so tight that I might even be starting to resemble a crab.

I am crabby and it shows. I just called Wanda, as promised, and what did I do but wake her up from a nap. A NAP! Why did that irritate me?

I just tried to call my ex/partner back. She has been trying to call me for days. I tried to call her on her cell phone (yes, our troops can actually have cell phones and be reached almost any old time we want to get in touch with them) but she did not answer. That made me crabby.

And I am sitting here in my office waiting for a student to turn in another draft of a thesis that I spent all yesterday afternoon commenting on.

I really really just want to be done with this and go and have a beer.

And I was doing so well until this afternoon. I guess I reached my limit of calm, patient, organized and productive grading.

Now I will go out into the hallway and throw the exams down the stairs and then scream.

Family

2005-05-11T14:34:00.000-07:00

I am really confused right now about my future relationship with my ex/partner. She is, in my mind, my family. I don't take that relationship lightly--I think that is pretty clear. But does it mean for her to be family to me? Does that mean I should forgive her? Does that mean that I have years to work through this? It definitely means that our relationship is not over; though I do not know form that relationship might take.

Completely walking away does not feel like an option, but I cannot imagine my options right now.

Diving into the Wreck

2005-05-05T07:59:00.000-07:00

For many years I have been really sort of haunted by a couple of the poems in Adrienne Rich's Diving into the Wreck. Though my degrees are in literature, I have never been one to memorize poems. But lines from Rich's poem "Dialogue" have, from time to time, burst into my conciousness. This has been happening all week. It is a bit disconcerting.

Mother's Day

2005-05-03T07:27:00.000-07:00

My mother knows everything. Telling my mother everything has been one of the most difficult things about this for me, which certainly reveals my adolescent need for her approval. Two and a half years ago when my partner was hospitalized for inexplicable seizures (while on active duty and shortly after her Anthrax shots); I told her about my partner's infidelities. At that time my mother said "Are you sure she isn't just trying to get rid of you?", which is exactly what she said when I called to tell her my partner had decided to try to be straight. She has also asked me this in previous relationships. Why is my mother so convinced that people try to get rid of me in less than straightforward ways?

My mother emailed yesterday to tell me that my partner sent her a very nice Mother's Day card. She was quite pleased.

Post-Op status

2005-04-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

Her knee surgery went well. She was more nervous for this one than for the five or so she had before. I think because she recently lost a friend to a heart attack. Dying in a war zone in a non combat situation hadn't scared her before that. She made it okay though.

The only good thing about this is that she will be forced to follow doctor's orders--in this situation they actually are ORDERS!

Jokes

2005-04-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

In a blog entry of September 23, I made a request for jokes. Recently anonymous posters added the following two jokes:

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where in the Hell were you on my wedding day!"

Two lesbians go golfing. One tees off and hits her ball in the buttercups. She finds her ball and kills a couple of the buttercups. Suddenly, Mother Nature appears "How dare you kill my flowers!For the rest of your life, you be physically ill at the sight or taste of butter!" Poof, she's gone. She calls to her partner who alrady hit her ball, "Did you find your ball?" Her partner replies" Yeah in the pussy willows." The one in the buttercups goes, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!"

Her Birthday

2005-04-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

Her birthday was this weekend.

Any holiday is difficult when a soldier is deployed. But her birthday is always difficult for her, because her birth mother placed her for adoption on the day she was born.

I don't understand what the factors are that makes the experience of being adopted so dramatically different. Some people seem quite content with being adopted. Some are miserable. Some want to find their birth parents. Others don't. Some people seem to feel permanently displaced. Some feel abandoned and always fear it will happen again. Some are content with their birth families and feel fortunate, even grateful, that their birth mother made the choice to place them for adoption.

In this case, she has always felt miserable, permanently displaced and constantly fears abandonment. I think she even creates situations in which she will be abandoned by any reasonable person.

Forgive me if that all sounds a bit too pop psychology, but I did grow up watching Oprah.

Whatever the factors are that have contributed to her miserable birthdays, here is how they have gone since I have known her.

A month or so before she starts acting like an ass. Hyped up. Absent a lot. Usually she finds a really intense new friendship. (Often sexualized). She parties a lot. Spends nights drunk and away from home.

She claims that she does not want to celebrate her birthday on her birthday. But is very depressed when people don't acknowledge it.

She always picks a fight on her birthday.

My strategy so far has been to try to spread her birthday celebration across a week. Cards, flowers, etc. Usually a nice dinner on her birthday (always ruined by the fight she picks).

And then we have to spend a month or so recovering from it.

This year, obviously, things are different. She is deployed. We are not together.

A week ago, her mom asked her what she wanted for her birthday. By the way, that is WAY too late to send something and hope it will arrive in time.

Two days ago, her father said "We will just celebrate your birthday when you get back."

Yea, that's a good idea. She feels all of the normal birthday turmoil, but to make things worse, she is not with anyone she loves or who loves her. Ignore her birthday, good strategy.

And to make things even worse, she got to spend her birthday performing a "Ramp Ceremony." The ramp is one that carries the bodies of dead soldiers onto the plane that will deliver them to their grieving families for their funerals. AND she found out that she will have to have knee surgery in two days. She will be recovering from surgery in her tent. She is never to run again (running has been a long standing coping strategy and has intensified during her deployment), and when she gets back she will probably need a total knee replacement. She is 29.

Happy Birthday.

Right now I don't even know if we can be friends.

2005-04-21T07:19:00.001-07:00

Seriously.

We have been talking on the phone, and I have enjoyed that. But the other day, she asked if she could stay with me when she gets back and I just could not even pretend it was a possibility. I immediately felt depressed.

How could I let her back into my space--my happy space?

I am happy. Content. I love living alone.

If we are friends, would my happiness be compromised? Should I just walk away, even though it would leave her with no fantasy of her own happy life to return to?

I have actually never been able to be friends with my ex-girlfriends. I don't think that is a good thing, but I am not sure that she is the ex with whom I should break that pattern.

Another Loss

2005-04-19T07:34:00.000-07:00

She called today and could not reach me; her message said only that she was having a "weird" day. Later she called to tell me that she lost another person close to her. One of her friends died of a heart attack and she had to go and identify the body. Though it was not a combat death, she was particularly bothered by it. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she said no, that she just felt "weird" and needed to hear my voice. She has lost a number of friends already, and she travels quite a bit, so I know she worries about dying on the road. She hasn't spoken much of those other cases with me. I am not sure why this one had the impact that it did.

The biggest reason I haven't been writing

2005-04-15T12:27:00.000-07:00

The biggest reason I haven't been writing is that Wanda reads this blog. And so do my friends and even some people in my family. I am struggling with something I haven't been able to share with anyone. Frankly, sometimes, especially with Wanda, this blog makes things feel very unbalanced.

Because of the blog, I am sharing to a degree that she is not. Sometimes I feel a little overexposed. Because of this she stopped reading the blog regularly a while ago.

The reason I can write about this now is that Wanda found out inadvertently about my struggle and confronted me this afternoon.

A pile of my mail fell off of my table in the apartment and Wanda found a card from my ex--as in a very bad movie--and well, she could not believe her eyes.

The card led Wanda to ask me if I had gotten back together with my ex.

That is what my ex wants, and though I haven't promised this to her I also have not told her the many reasons that this is simply impossible. It is very difficult for me to not be straightforward with my ex (and everyone else) as this is going on. But this is the reason that I have been withdrawn, unvailable and very, very quiet.

While I have been working for months through this difficult situation (the whole thing), I have tried very hard to be honest about everything no matter how difficult. But my silence in the last few weeks is something to which I feel entitled. I am struggling through this and trying to figure out how to respond. I have very little clarity about this. I have needed some time to think.

Of course, Wanda wants to know if getting back together with my ex is something that I am really considering.

I feel very, very strongly about not abandoning her while she is at war. I have felt that all along. And this is not just a sick patriotic sacrifice. I love her. I have never stopped loving her, and I feel very strongly about not abandoning people I love.

Frankly, I am having a really hard time finding anyone who understands that perspective. Is my perspective unusual? Is it unusual for people who love soldiers? In any case, am I just handling this the wrong way?

Sick, Sick, Sick

2005-04-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

I have been sick since I returned from Cuba. I don't blame Cuba exactly, but I certainly picked up a very persistent illness while there! This week I am pretty sure I had bronchitis. Luckily, my doctor had given my antibiotics "just in case" I got sick on a previous trip abroad. As soon as I started taking them I started to feel better.

I mentioned already that I have been getting phone calls from Iraq. Probably 2-3 per week. Because she knows I've been sick, she sent a care package this week--soup, crackers, tea, etc. Funny, really, because she was not very generous with caretaking when she was here. When she was sick she would take up residence on the couch and whine for days. When I was sick I was on my own. I don't actually have a problem with taking care of myself, but when I feel really sick, I cry (and sometimes call my mom). A little kindness would have gone a long way with me.

The care package was a really nice surprise.

Photo from Iraq

2005-04-12T08:11:00.000-07:00

jackson
Originally uploaded by katehatch.

Here is a recent photo from Iraq. She did not take the photo; it is one that people are forwarding with the title "Too funny". I don't really find it funny. Not because of Michael Jackson, but rather, because of the kids in the photo who probably have no idea what the sign says. Not to mention the fact that I am not sure where they are actually safer or what we even mean by "safe"?

Phone Calls

2005-04-07T08:08:00.000-07:00

She has called several times in the last couple of weeks. The phone calls are quite different in tone and content than any phone call since she was deployed. She is no longer angry, evasive or impatient. Her tone of voice is different. Somehow more gentle.

She is talking about everything. If she is walking or driving from her office to her tent, she talks about everything she sees. She talks about her friends (not the ones who have died).

She is talking about what was going on when she was home--taking responsiblity for cheating and being absent from our relationhip. And she is talking about why. And she is not blaming me.

Why the change?

Slow down

2005-04-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

My posts have slowed down a lot! This is happening for several reasons:
1) I am still unpacking. I suck at it.
2) I don't have internet access at home anymore, so no more posts in the middle of the night.
3) Either the server at work or blogger itself is painfully slow. I have started several posts and have had to give up.
4) I am aware of how many people I know who are now reading this, and honesty is becoming even harder than usual.
5) I am feeling a bit upside down right now. Sorting things through is hard!

She isn't straight, but I already knew that

2005-04-02T11:45:00.000-08:00

After I returned from Cuba, I saw her. She started calling soon after she knew I was home. I didn't answer the phone. I didn't know what the tenor of the conversation would be and so I avoided it.

Though I had tried to leave everything in order, I still managed to leave a mess for her. The landlord heard that someone had moved out of the apartment, so he had taken measures to gain entry to the apartment and remove what was left. That is what she returned to. Nice. When we first talked after she got home, she actually said she couldn't wait to return to Iraq.

She made sure to tell me (and her parents) that she was not angry with me, and I could tell that she really wasn't. She was sad, we both were.

And, not surprisingly, she is NOT straight.

She admitted that she was really upset when she tried to call me on New Year's Eve and did not get through. AND she admitted that this was partly the reason for her silence over the two months that followed. She also talked about why she came to the conclusion that she needed to try the straight life--and welcomed jokes at her expense for this.

So, she isn't straight, and she recognizes that she has (for a while) needed to deal with her own internalized homophobia, an admission I have been waiting to hear for a couple of years. Now she says she doesn't care who knows she is a lesbian. Unbelievably, I actually told her I didn't think it would be wise to jump right out of the closet (am I possessed by a demon?)

I am really feeling turmoil right now. It is really difficult to love someone in the position she is in. We lived for three years with the constant threat of her deployment and her growing fear of being discovered as a lesbian. Over that three years, we grew more distant, more dishonest and more miserable.

Does anything change with her recognition of the impact of the military and homophobia on our lives?

Lifestyle changes

2005-03-30T10:43:00.000-08:00

I have made a couple of significant lifestyle changes since I moved to my new apartment.

1) No telephone at home. I am down to just a cell phone. Not sure how long this will last.
2) No internet at home. This is the one that makes my friends laugh the hardest. I have been known to check my email SEVERAL times an hour. I think I am adjusting well to the change though.
3) I walked to work for the first time today. I hope to keep this up.

Wish me luck!

The first phone call

2005-03-28T14:56:00.002-08:00

The day before I left for Cuba, I called her parents' house to find out when she was coming home. Though she told me she would keep me updated, I had not heard from her in two weeks. I needed to know what to tell the dog kennel about who would be picking her dog up and when. I also wanted to know if I needed to warn her about what she was coming home to. Her parents didn't answer the phone. Five minutes later I got a call on my cell from a number I didn't recognize. I knew it was her. I answered.

We talked for a half an hour, both of us crying through most of it. She was calling from the Detroit airport. She was first going to stay with her parents and then come home the for the rest of her R&R the following week. Her mother was having knee surgery and her father needed to be tested for heart problems.

She was scared to be home. Worried to travel without a weapon. Lonely for friends she had lost. I did not tell her then that I was in the middle of moving out of the apartment. I was completely unprepared for that discussion. If I had been prepared, I would have tried not to cry, but I couldn't stop myself.

She called again the next day, and I still didn't tell her I was moving.

Though it was tempting to seek my revenge by leaving a messy, unlivable apartment, I tried to leave the old apartment in livable condition. Most of the big things in the apartment were hers--couch, dining table, bed-- so my absence wouldn't be immediately apparent, but the cupboards were practically empty, the television was gone, and I wasn't there. No matter that it was her decision, it would be a shocking scene.

I put everything back into place. After she deployed, I moved many of her things into the basement. She's one of those people who keeps piles of things in corners; I can't stand it. I didn't see any reason to live with it while she was gone. I also moved her coats and sweatshirts to the basement to make more room for my things. Before I left the apartment for the last time I put everything back. I cleaned everything. I washed the sofa cover and put a fresh table cloth on the dining table. I set up the game table (pool, hockey, etc.) in the spare room so that it was both out of the way but also usable. I organized the kitchen cupboards, leaving behind the food I thought she would eat. I left ice cream for her in the freezer and ketchup in the fridge for the french fries I knew she would be craving right away. I cut back phone service but left the phone available through the last possible end date of her R&R.

I vacuumed the floor, closed the curtains, and closed the door on our life together in that apartment. Then I mailed her the key at her parent's home in Ohio.

I finally moved everything out of the old apartment 12 hours before I had to leave for the airport for Cuba. With only twelve hours to go, I had to quickly switch gears and start to THINK about the trip! I had a long list of things I still needed to buy for the trip. A first aid kit, toiletries, batteries. And then I had to pack amidst boxes and piles of all of the things I had moved into way too small an apartment. I did it. The last thing I did before I left for the aiport was to send her an email telling her that I moved.

I didn't sleep at all for two days, but I made it to the airport on time.

Where have I been for the last two weeks?

2005-03-27T17:29:00.000-08:00

Since my last post:

I moved EVERYTHING out of the old apartment. (That took a week!)
During the same week I had a complete overload of work to do.
I got a phone call the day before I left the country from my ex. She was in the Detroit airport. She was crying.
I traveled to Cuba (for 10 days).
I got a headcold while in Cuba that I have been recovering from for the last week.
I have been trying to unpack my new apartment. It is still a mess.
AND I saw my ex and her angry parents.

I have a little bit of catching up to do. Not now though. My Cuban headcold is making me very sleepy!

In between apartments

2005-03-07T16:32:00.000-08:00

Friends helped me move most of my things into the new apartment yesterday. I will finish up in the next couple of days and start sleeping in the new place on Wednesday when the old tenant has completely removed herself from the apartment. Until then, I am still at the old, empty apartment with the dogs.

On Saturday and Sunday as I was packing and then as things were leaving the apartment, I was really hit hard by the sense of loss. As furniture was moved and boxes were stacked, the sound of the apartment changed. There were echoes and silences where there were none before. I had to sit down and cry again.

After the U-Haul was filled and we started to caravan to the new apartment, I began to feel really paranoid. I am not sure what I thought was going to happen, but I started to really fear that something bad would happen. I was afraid when I got back to the old apartment that she would be there or that someone would be waiting. I was afraid to be alone there. Afraid even when the phone rang. I felt nauseous and on the edge of an anxiety attack. I felt as if I had done something wrong. Could I have made this any easier on her though? I told her "good luck" and moved out. No crying. No pleading (maybe she wanted this). Just "good luck." I am sure she will be mad that I won't continue to take care of her while I wait for her to get back. I am sure she will be angry that there might be consequences for her--like that she has to pay her own rent, make arrangements for her dog, etc. But it would be unreasonable for her to expect me to keep taking care of her.

The end won't be as easy as packing up and disappearing to a new apartment. This isn't the end. There will still be a confrontation. Calls from her. Calls from her parents. There are still arrangements to make. This is as close to a divorce as I will probably ever get--they are never over overnight.

Real Revenge

2005-03-03T07:44:00.000-08:00

I am really fascinated by the subtlety of changing the spices in the spice jars, the forcefulness of the Chicken Milk Bomb, and the childishness of my break-up music playlists, but my real fantasy for revenge would be to send a box to her in Iraq with all of the old mementos and keepsakes from her life as a lesbian with me with a book of matches and a note that would read "Thought you might want to burn the evidence."

I actually have been collecting things in the box; I will probably destroy it myself. So far the box contains:

Photos from our "wedding".
A keychain with a recording of her saying "I love you always and forever".
Old Valentine and Anniversary cards that contain the following phrase "To My Wife".
Old love letters in which she proclaims her neverending devotion to me, all the things she loves about me, all the things she wants to do with me (including sex).
Stubs from plays and movies we saw together, including "Take Me Out".
Stubs from the annual GLBT fundraiser we attended together every year.
Stubs from Indigo Girls concerts.
The Hallmark kissing bears she got me for our first Valentine's Day (Hallmark sold a blue and a girl bear that "kissed. The kissing was made possible by magnets embedded in their mouths. She actually bought two girl bears and flipped the magnet inside to make them kiss.)
A really, really, really bad soft lesbian porno tape.

I am thinking of throwing in a dildo, but that would be such a waste!

Any ideas?

I like the idea of sending the box to Iraq, in part because I have been so closeted with her for so long because of the military but also because she seems to have forgotten just how sincere she was about her lesbianism. She had several lesbian relationships, including one other relationship that lasted even longer than this one. Who does she think she is fooling? The lesbian box to Iraq would be perfect revenge, but truly too cruel.

Moving soon

2005-03-02T14:56:00.000-08:00

The details of my move are coming together though the packing is going slowly. I will be renting a truck this weekend to dump my things in the apartment before I leave the country for 10 days. There were a couple of days this week when I thought I was going to have to have an emergency plan--like storing all of my things while I am out of the country, but everything seems to be working out so far.

I think the packing is so difficult because it is not just packing but sorting. I am pulling my things out of their place with hers and boxing them. A lot will be left behind.

okay, some SMALL revenge fantasy

2005-02-24T18:05:00.000-08:00

About two years ago, when it became clear to me that she was having an "affair" with a woman named Heather (her real name), I dumped a whole container of salt into the can of instant chai Heather had given her. First of all, instant chai. Dear God. Second of all, you've got to be kidding me that she would bring that home to put in our kitchen cupboard. It was very small of me to do that. I recognize that and I am at peace with myself about it. But I am in the mood for a similar act.

So Wanda and I cooked up another revenge fantasy. SOME of the spice jars in the kitchen are legitmately hers, so I am leaving them. However, a trip to the bulk food store for spices to replace them with might be in order. Here are the jars I could fill: marjoram, oregano, parsley, whole cloves, basil, bay leaves, dill, mustard (seeds) thyme, and sage.

Any ideas?

Increasingly paranoid

2005-02-23T06:52:00.000-08:00

Since I emailed to tell her my probable travel dates, I haven't heard from her. I am getting nervous. I don't know for sure when she is planning to be here. I don't want to be here when she comes and I want to have all of my things out of this apartment.

As March approaches, I am getting nervous that her leave will be sooner than when I travel. Last night I drove up to the apartment worried that I would find her here. This morning I was worried that she would come through the door to find me in bed with Wanda. I don't want to see her. I don't want a confrontation.

I know, though, that when she does get here and all of my things are gone from the apartment, the phone is turned off and she can't reach me, she will be angry. The kind of anger felt when the ground beneath you shifts because nothing you expected to be true is true. I didn't want that. I especially didn't want that while she is still serving in Iraq.

It is probably ridiculous of me to think that there won't be a confrontation. I'm afraid I am being cowardly.

My ex-lesbian ex-wife

2005-02-22T11:15:00.000-08:00

Every email she sends is depressing. When I get an email from her, I just want to go to sleep. So I filtered her email into a folder that I only check occasionally, what's the rush?

It has become clear that she will be home on leave in the next couple of weeks. She found out that I will probably be out of the country at that time and wants to make sure she is here when I am not. She hasn't told me when exactly she will be here but is very insistent that I tell her my travel dates. My travel is dependent on a license from the government. I am waiting for that license. She doesn't get it. She said that "they" must have come to a decision by now. I am staying friendly and calm in my response to her, but I want very much to ask her if she thinks that I should call the President and tell him that my ex-lesbian ex-wife needs a decision so she that can come from on leave from the Gulf.

This is a slow agonizing process

2005-02-22T08:01:00.000-08:00

I am not sure how I have managed to justify keeping half of the things I own. Crap. Tons of crap. In my "junk drawer" I have old cup holders, switchplates, batteries, candles. In my cupboards, I have souffle cups, sundae bowls and many ugly serving plates. And how many pie plates do I really need? Do I really need seven?

Maybe I am making this harder than it has to be, but I just don't want to move forward with my cake plate with a snowman on it, the sundae bowls, the switchplates, the clothes I have been hanging onto for sentimental reasons or because I think I will ever be a size 5 again. If I ever am a size 5 again I am pretty sure that anything I bought in 1991 will no longer be cute.

Sorting my things from hers involves going through every drawer, box, shelf and closet. I am sorting through so much excess right now. Why have I carried this around with me?

Taking a break from sorting

2005-02-19T10:31:00.000-08:00

My task this weekend is to sort through all of our things so that I can separate them to pack. I am trying hard to put a positive spin on this, but I have to keep stopping to cry. This is awful and exhausting. I am glad to be doing it alone. If she were here, everything would be a fight. I am looking at this as an opportunity to lighten my load. I am moving forward with less of everything. The task is so big and so overwhelming that I just want to sit down in the middle of everything and cry and scream. Chances are good that I will.

Too tired for revenge fantasies

2005-02-17T12:34:00.000-08:00

Things are happening quickly. Between now and March 1st, besides working almost constantly, I have to sort out our things, pack my things and get everything in place for leaving our apartment for good. I am overwhelmed and way too tired for revenge fantasies right now.

Besides the break up play lists, I was also mentally writing a script for "The Straight Life" based on my limited exposure to "The Simple Life". I thought it would be funny to imagine Jane trying to be straight. She just wouldn't know what to do. She isn't equipped. But right now it strikes me as more sad than funny. More on that later.

Maybe sorting through our things will get me angry and energized again.

Am I overreacting?

2005-02-14T05:57:00.000-08:00

Here is the email response she sent. It makes me feel anxious and paranoid. I knew I was going to feel paranoid unnecessarily at times.

I know that you are going away for Spring Break,
however I am not sure of the dates of that. When are
you going? Leaving and coming back? Are you putting
the dogs in the kennel?

They have to change my dates of my R&R leave and I was
just wondering what your schedule was. If you would
let me know ASAP I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks

Am I overreacting? I read this to mean that she has a plan, perhaps that she even had a plan before she emailed me. At the very least, it seems she is making plans. She wants to come when I am not here. And she wants to get the dogs out of the kennel.

This is all happening so quickly. Though she has been at war for months now, within this month our separation might be complete.

HER Break Up Playlists

2005-02-12T11:23:00.000-08:00

Still working on my break up playlists. Please comment with suggestions. The format of comments has changed--when you click "post a comment", the comments will now open in a pop-up window.

Here are the songs I am considering for HER playlist:
Two Nice Girls "I Spent My Last $10 on Birth Control and Beer"
Holly Cole Singing "God Will"
Dixie Chicks "Let 'Er Rip"
Good Charlotte " Predictable"
Hank Williams "Your Cheatin' Heart"
Bon Jovi "You Give Love a Bad Name"

So far I don't think the list has enough of a bite. But it is shaping up.

In addition to that list, I now have 34 different recording of Bob Dylan's "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright" ready to go on another CD or two. I love the song, but 34 different recordings is torture.

The artists include: Bob Dylan (of course), Joan Baez and the Indigo Girls, Eric Clapton, Vonda Shephard, Elvis Presley, Franke Valle and the Four Seasons (this is, by far, the most horrifying thing to listen to--a bit like the chipmunks).

Please keep responding

2005-02-11T04:08:00.000-08:00

Though I have sent my ex a brief initial response, I do have to come up with something longer eventually. Please keep responding with ideas. I think I can take a couple of weeks to send that email. In the meantime, I am shopping for things for my new apartment. I will be moving in the beginning of March.

Thanks

2005-02-10T11:57:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone who replied. Your responses made me laugh, made me feel supported and made me feel relieved that I wasn't the only one seeing some of that stuff. Many of your responses also helped me see things I had not seen before.

Since most votes were for good luck, I went with this response:

"Well, that is a lot to take in. My initial response is 'good luck'. Other than that, I need time to think."

I thought that covered everything without being flip, petty, or angry. At this point, I am concerned about inciting anger on her part.

I will let you all know when I hear from her again.

Today, I am working on strategizing, working and a little bit of cathartic activity.

To that end, I am fashioning a breakup playlist. Two of them actually. One playlist of songs I would send to her (though I probably won't) and one playlist for myself.

Some songs, like Bob Dylan's "Don't Think Twice" (sung by Joan Baez and the Indigo Girls), seems totally appropriate to breaking up. I can't listen to this song once. If I turn it on, I usually listen to it three or four times before my voice is tired from singing too loudly. I am putting this song on both playlists.

Today I would like to solicit suggestions for these two playlists. Please reply by posting a comment or by sending me an email.

My initial reply?

2005-02-09T07:11:00.000-08:00

Could readers weigh in on this? (At the bottom of this post, click on the link that says "comments". It will take you to page with this post on it but at the bottom you will have the option to post a comment. You may do so anonymously. If you click on the envelope at the bottom of the post you will have the option of sending at email to me at my yahoo address katehatch2004@yahoo.com).

I should send some sort of reply in the next day or so. I am leaning against the response that would answer all of the things she said in her email and toward a reply of no more than one sentence.

Here are the options so far:
Ok.
I agree.
I agree on the condition that I never have to see you again.
or Good luck.

Which is best to get me through the first response? or is there something better?

2005-02-08T13:58:00.000-08:00

I think I understand another meaning for the phrase "collateral damage" right now.

Here is the email...

2005-02-08T11:56:00.000-08:00

Hello,

Long time since I have been able to write and or call.
We have had several problems with the phone systems
on this end, you never know if they are going to be up
or down and they are mostly down instead of up. When
they are up it is never a good time to call and when I
do get a chance you must be busy because you don't
answer your phone. The same with the Internet, they
said that a cable between here and Germany was cut. I
think that they were just cutting back on the Internet
sites so that more people would focus on work. But I
guess we will never know what actually happened. But
for the most part our Internet is back up with several
sites blocked at certain times.

Things on this end are not going that bad, the New
Year has not brought much change. The same routine
each day with little change from week to week. The
weather here is starting to warm up and the rainy
season is over for the most part. But we did get out
share of rain, and that did make for a mess. But now
is in the 80's during the day and the nights only get
down to around 50-60. Not to bad.

How is the weather in? A lot of snow? Cold?
How are the dogs?

I hear that my job will be much different when I get
back to NY, we are getting ambulance from everything
that I have been told. That will be much different
from the FD aspect. But we will have to wait and see
how the whole thing pans out.

I ran into my boyfriend from basic training while I
was here, how funny is that. 9 years later and you
have to come to the middle easy to run into someone
you once dated. To funny, he is from Puerto Rico and
works with an Engineer unit. He was only here for 3
months as a replacement for a guy from his unit that
got hurt. Not a bad gig, only 3 months. I have been
here already 4. Gone by fast now that you look back
at it.

I see how the e-mails and the quick notes stop once I
am not able to call and or write you back as much as
you would like. Just thought that was interesting how
the two went hand and hand. We knew when I left
that the times that we got to talk would come and go
and those times would not always be known.
I am not going to hold back on what has been going
through my mind. A friend that I have made since I
have been here says, Be honest even if the truth
hurts. Also don't ask the question if you can't
handle the truth. (she is a really cool person from
St.Croix V.I., I am not sure if I talked to her about
you or not) But I have learned a lot from her. I
have analyzed things about myself during my time here
and have done a lot of thinking. You know what else
can you do in the desert besides think about what you
want from life and where you are going/ been. I agree
with your e-mail about wanting certain things out of
life and not having them shades the way that you look
at yourself. Marriage, kids, house, job, etc.... I
have looked at my life and realized that I want all
those things in my life but most of all I want to be
happy. I am not currently happy and I have not
been for a while in this relationship. I love you as
a person and as a friend but not as a partner. Being
away I have really analyzed how I love you and on what
level and where I see us in the future. I love
you but not in the manner that you love me and that
you deserve to be loved. You deserve someone who
loves you and does not think about other possible
relationships. I think about a traditional
relationship all the time. I am not sure what drives
it but for my I have to go with what I feel inside. I
have thought several times about a female-male
relationship but have never taken that step. But now
I think that I need at least try it and see if it is
for me. I know that me being away has given me time to
think and I look at the whole picture for myself. I
know this is going to be hard, for each of us but I
think that being friends is going to be the best
thing.

I have to go for now before they kick me off line
again and I have to start over. I will write more
later. Please reply....
I am sorry if I hurt you.
I love you

After almost eight weeks...

2005-02-08T11:18:00.000-08:00

She just wrote to tell me that she wants a traditional life. She has decided that she is straight.

A New Purpose for Greg

2005-02-07T05:29:00.000-08:00

Greg has a perfectly good email account with an empty mailbox. I've decided to make use of my alter-identity to post my comments on conservative websites and blogs. I've been having a good time with this for at least an hour now.

Military Television?

2005-02-06T18:28:00.000-08:00

Searching for an alternative to the SuperBowl I decided to scroll through all of the television channels that came with my cable package. I never do this. I barely watch television; in fact, the only channels I even know the numbers for are HBO and Showtime.

I could not believe it when I came upon the Military Channel. I had no idea. Programming for tonight includes "21st Century Warriors" and "America's Secret Soldiers". I just don't find that compelling television. Clearly, enough people do to warrant such a channel. Who is watching?

Superbowl

2005-02-06T18:06:00.000-08:00

I am not watching the Superbowl this year. Last year I did. Even though my partner had just gotten off of a 24 hour shift, she had agreed to go to a party that someone I work with was throwing, which was the first time she had agreed to that in months. She was so tired though that I couldn't imagine putting her through that. We watched on the couch, and she feel asleep--at least until I screamed when I saw Janet Jackson's nipple. Honestly, nipples don't usually make me scream in horror, but I was so unprepared! Usually I have an idea that something like that is about to happen!

Months ago I planned to by a DVD recorder so that I could record things like the Superbowl to send to her. I thought it would be nice for her to get a sense of the things she would have enjoying at home. I gave up on that a while ago, in part because of the expense.

I wonder now though if she would even enjoy it. She was so homesick in December, but now she doesn't even call. She must have reached a point at which what is happening here matters less. Whatever missions she is on, the people she lives with, the business of doing her job--those are the things that must seem normal now.

I have a feeling that the Superbowl is meaningless to her right now, and I think she would never have imagined that could happen.

Sunny Saturday

2005-02-06T07:40:00.000-08:00

I took the dogs to play in a dog park yesterday. It was the best excursion I could come up with on the short notice I gave myself to have fun instead of spending the day working. It was beautiful and sunny. The dogs were fantastic. Today they are exhausted!