Her Fears Became My Fears

I have had plenty of reasons lately to think back over the last 14 months and try to frame some sort of explanation for what has happened.

The bulletin boards at The Military Spouse Support Network are full of posts by women who have actually had some experiences similar to mine. Days, weeks, months without word from their husbands/boyfriends/wives/girlfriends. Serious doubts about their relationships. Break-ups. Worries about husbands/boyfriends/wives/girlfriends who are growing distant--acting unlike themselves. I've found comfort in knowing that my experiences are not unique. But I have also been disappointed to know that there was little I could do to make a difference. And I have wondered why I tend to read first the posts that reflect experiences so similar to mine.

I have also learned that there are many examples of OUT military personnel. People who live their lives ranging from completely to relatively to cautiously open. Though I was vaguely aware of this already, what has become very clear to me is that the degree of fear that my ex/partner lived with was not completely necessary. But I don't think that she knew that. I really think she has been doing her best and working with information avaiable to her.

But I cannot be sure of that. Her experience is all that I have been able to gather. Her filter, her lens for understanding this has been all that I have had to go on to understand what is going on for her. And her fears have become my fears. I have had no mechanism to support her in that or to suggest that things might be different.